The Life and Times of George Ramirez

George Ramirez lived a long full life punctuated by adventure and surrounded by love. Given the relative nature of time and how subjectively its speed of passage is felt, I'm sure that in his admittedly minuscule mind he lived the equivalent of a hundred human years. We don't know where or exactly when he was born and we don't know who his parents were, but every aspect of his subsequent life was lavishly documented by his companion and guardian, a ten year old girl. It is astonishing that something weighing only 45 grams could live such a rich life. And it is perhaps astonishing to some that something weighing only 45 grams could be loved so deeply and loved so truly.

George Ramirez was a teddy bear hamster.

His full name was actually George Ramirez Penner, as he was owned by the precocious Chloe Penner. I say precocious because the first time she brought George Ramirez in she was in the exam room by herself. Her parents had decided that as he was her hamster she should be fully in charge of his medical care, so they sat out in the waiting room. (I think they still paid the bills though.) To be frank, sometimes this type of arrangement is irritating to the veterinarian as it can effectively double some of our work when we have to repeat everything to the parents later. But not in Chloe's case. She was attentive and sharp and clearly capable of following my advice. Such as it was. Really, she was fully on top of things, so on that first visit when George Ramirez was brought in for a check-up my role was primarily to confirm for her that she was doing everything correctly. She showed me pictures of his cage, from which sprouted an elaborate network of clear plastic pipes leading to various chambers, including, if memory serves, one made to look like a little space capsule. George Ramirez was going to have a good life.

At this point I should offer up a confession. I love all types of patients. I do not favour dogs over cats (or vice versa), or rabbits over guinea pigs, or budgies over canaries, nor do I shy away from snakes or rats or hedgehogs or ferrets, to name just a few that sometimes elicit bias. But I was long a secret hamster skeptic. It's funny because my wife had hamsters when she was young whereas I had a gerbil, so we would sometimes engage in hamster versus gerbil debates. I felt I had solid facts on my side. And I had been bitten by more hamsters than all other rodent species put together, so that might have biased me a little as well. But then George Ramirez came along. He did not bite. He was clean. And he was cool. This was a hamster I actually looked forward to seeing.

Normally hamsters do not go to the vet. There are no vaccines for them and we do not need to (or even want to) spay or neuter them. Moreover, they are really pretty rugged, so not all that much tends to go wrong in their short lives. But perhaps the most common reason that they don't go to the vet is that unfortunately many people view spending money on their medical care as silly, putting them more in the goldfish category of pet than in the dog and cat category. I wonder why this is? Is it because hamsters are cheap to acquire? But then so are many dogs and cats (and heck, human children come into the world free). Is it because they are so small? If so, then does that mean that Great Danes deserve more care than Chihuahuas? Is it because they are loved less? I suppose that must be it. But that was happily not the case for George Ramirez.

I think I saw George Ramirez five times in his three years. Once for the initial visit, twice for annual check-ups and twice for medical reasons. The first time was for what is referred to as "wet tail". "Wet tail" is a euphemism. The tail is not wet with water, it is wet with liquid poo. Much like diarrhea in every other species "wet tail" is not a single specific disease but rather a symptom that has a range of causes. These little creatures can dehydrate quickly, so it can be serious, but fortunately George Ramirez revived right away when we sorted out why it was happening.

The second time I saw him sick was when Chloe brought him in with what she thought was a tumour on his face. She was clearly really upset, but trying hard to be brave. George Ramirez had an enormous irregularly shaped lump in his right cheek and he had stopped eating. Hamsters are prone to cancer, but this was not a cancer. When I palpated the lump and pried his tiny mouth open to peer inside I was as surprised by what I found as Chloe was. He had somehow filled his right cheek pouch so full of food that it had become impacted and bulged out to roughly equal the size of the rest of his head. And because he had jammed unshelled sunflower seeds in there it felt very odd and lumpy on the outside. We both knew that hamsters had large cheek pouches, but had no idea that they were this large or that food could get so badly stuck in there. The solution was gratifyingly simple. I simply turned the pouch inside out like the pocket in your jeans. He was weak enough that he let me do this awake.

I know you're expecting a sad ending, but the cheek pouch incident isn't it. George Ramirez bounced back yet again. Just like with wet tail. Just like when he did an EVA* from his capsule and was found three days later in the heating ducts. Just like when the Penners got a cat and the cat knocked over his cage. Eventually Father Time caught up with him and he died peacefully in his bed at the ripe old age of three and one third years. I found this out when Chloe came in with Edna von Trapp, a new young female hamster. Edna von Trapp had an evil glint in her eye and proceeded to bite me savagely at every opportunity, thus proving, in case proof was needed, that hamsters are not interchangeable. There are a lot of stories of parents sneaking out to the pet store without telling their children to get a look-alike replacement when a hamster dies. I suspect that the child almost always knows, even if they don't let on. Sort of like a Santa or Easter Bunny scenario. And Chloe definitely would have known.

*Extra-Vehicular Activity. It's an outer space thing.